Monday, 17 February 2014

Brand new trailer for The Sleeping

I decided to make a brand new trailer for the second book in my Lilean Chronicles series, The Sleeping.  I used Animoto for this and found it to be easy but expensive.  Everything costs money there, so be aware of that if you use the site.  Anyway, here is the video, I hope you enjoy it.

Monday, 10 February 2014

Landmarks, and making a public fuss

I'm 52 today.

My experience of birthdays has largely changed over the years, but one thing remains the same - the wish that someone other than myself would want to make a fuss over my special day.

When I was a young kid, my parents let me have a party and invite the kids from our street, but that's not what I'm on about here.  What I'm talking about is those birthdays I've experienced as an adult who is all too aware that what people think of me, matters.

I can't help but feel a twinge of envy when I see someone being made a fuss of on their birthday, by their family, friends and significant other, and even though I know that birthdays are not significant in a universal sense, they are significant to people.  Having someone make a fuss on your birthday means someone cares about you enough to want society at large to know that "this person is special to me."

When no one makes a fuss, it means no one gives a shit, and that sucks cock..!

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

My own personal jungle

I'm a celebrity get me out of here has begun again on TV here in the UK.  This is the only reality show I like and make a point of watching.  I enjoy seeing others enduring hardships that most of us would never have the nerve to experience, and I can sit in the comfort of my own living room and watch celebs being covered in bugs and eating ostrich anus, and I can enjoy it without having to actually experience it.  It's compulsive viewing, and if the celebs are nice people, or good looking, or both, then so much the better.

It's interesting seeing celebs being real. We usually only get to see their public persona, and it's nice to see that they can be nasty, boring and emotional just like the rest of us.  The jungle brings the contestants into direct contact with their fears, usually the bugs, and I'm happy to admit that I would never have the courage to enter that show.  I have a phobia of spiders and the ones in the jungle are huge.  I'd be fine with the rats, cockroaches, snakes and anything else, but the spiders?  No thank you.

This show coming back has made me think about fears, phobias and courage.  Everyone is scared of something, and anyone who says they're not, is a liar.  I'm autistic, and my greatest phobia is social interaction.  Not only does it terrify me, but I'm hopeless at it, and my terrible attempts at it only serve to increase the fear for the next time.  I think back to previous attempts, and the awful consequences, and think, "not doing that again, thank you."  Usually, you would think that simply avoiding your fears would help ensure your life is stress free and happy, but no.  You see, apart from being bad at social interaction, at the same time, I yearn for it.  I long for friends, nights out, laughs and fun, but knowing how bad I am at doing it, makes me too afraid to try it again.

It's the same when it comes to finding a significant other.  I'm awful at doing that, and previous attempts have ended in disaster, so I no longer try to find anyone.  In fact, if I'm completely truthful, I actively try to keep away from finding anyone.  Not because I don't want anyone, because I do, very much.  I avoid them because the thought of dating and the whole, 'meeting a man' thing terrifies me.  Add into this mix, the fact that I'm 51, overweight and ugly, means I have very little incentive to try.

The thing with fears is that yes, if you can face them, you have a good chance of beating them.  Sometimes though, you have to realise and admit that some things can't be beaten.  Those things you know are beyond you, remain unattainable and you have to learn to live with it.  I've learned over the years to be able to deal with spiders when I find them in my home.  Living alone means that if I don't deal with them, no one else will, so circumstances have forced me into a confrontation with this fear.  I long ago conquered a childhood fear of the dark, another necessity when living alone.  When it comes to social interaction and finding a man however, those things will forever remain beyond my grasp.

That is my jungle.  I'm not a celebrity but get me out of here please.

Sincerely, Invisible Woman

Sunday, 28 July 2013

It's not 'it' so much as someone wanting 'it' with you that matters.

People tend to think that single women of mature age are either cougars or man hating crazy cat ladies.  There are some who are like that obviously, but not all of us fall into either of those categories.  Some of us are just normal women who, by virtue of circumstances, are alone.

The thing about being a woman living alone is that you get used to it.  It becomes comfortable and normal and the more time that passes, the more difficult it is to change your habits.  If has been years since you had a relationship, the prospect of dating is a terrifying concept.

My last relationship ended in 1995 or thereabouts.  I've been alone ever since, and not a sniff of a man have I had in all the years since.  Personally, the thought of trying to flirt or attract a man is tantamount to asking me to leap out of a plane without a parachute and rely on a giant eagle to catch me and fly me back to the Shire.

The other problem faced by women in my position is that, as time goes on, it becomes more difficult to actually be attractive, in a physical sense anyway.  As our boobs head southwards, our bellies take on a remarkable likeness to Buddha and the wrinkles take up residence on our faces like a group of new age travellers in a layby, each day we become less and less able to attract a man worth having.

If you're lucky enough to have a well paid job, you can get a little help from botox, a gym membership and a nip and tuck here and there.  Most of us however, don't earn enough to gain access to such aids to beauty and we are left to cry at our reflections and shop for baggy t-shirts in charity shops.

It's not just sex either, although of course that comes into it.  The thing that is the worst for me, is the knowledge that no one sees me and chooses me.  No one looks at me and thinks, "I'd like to spend some quality time with her."  As you get older, as a woman, you get more and more invisible and it's not so much sex that becomes impossible to find, but someone who actually wants to do it with you.

Another assumption people make about us older single gals, is that as we get older, our standards get lower.  I'm no more liable now to want to spend a night with some fat, balding, paunchy, toothless, ale swilling old goat, than I was twenty years ago.  In fact, I'm far less likely nowadays.  Rather than our standards going down as we get older, they actually tend to go up.

Current thinking is that only the young are beautiful and once you pass forty, you become invisible, and this is responsible for so much loneliness and so many tears and I blame the media entirely.  Movies and TV shows all portray beauty as both young and slim and anything outside of that is unworthy of love or attention.  The middle aged, overweight woman is always portrayed as either the crazy woman next door, the cleaner, the beautiful young thing's mother/grandmother who doesn't matter and other such roles.  We never get the man in movies anymore, we never fall in love or have sex and we're never desired.

It's not that I don't like being without sex.  I just don't like the knowledge that no one wants me, for anything.  It's the fact that no one has made me their choice, rather than the act itself.  The overwhelming display that I'm now unworthy.  I've stopped being a woman and become just some old person in their eyes.  Often, I feel as if the world is expecting me to apologise for not being attractive anymore, to apologise for not be sexy and not being desirable.  This makes me feel as though I'm not a woman anymore, but a genderless thing.

I don't think I want to remain in a world where I'm held in such low regard.

Saturday, 29 June 2013

Education & teaching this old dog a few new tricks.

As a woman of maturity, (that's my way of saying I'm an old bat) I sometimes find technology a little difficult to understand.  It seems to be developing and evolving way faster than I am and sometimes I get left behind. Last night I had the pleasure of learning a lot more about how to work my main website over on Wordpress (link on the left) and the sense of achievement I now feel is wonderful.

I have always been someone who embraces change and I've never shied away from anything new.  My Grandmother always refused to use an electric cooker because she was scared of it and my Aunt refuses to learn to text on her mobile phone because she can't understand and doesn't want to learn.  Even my eighty year old mother sits and texts by the hour and I get annoyed, so as I'm determined never to get like them, I'm also determined to get out there and be a part of the internet revolution.

Having self published six books on my own has certainly helped.  It's been a steep learning curve but I've enjoyed every second of it.  I'm an intelligent woman and I don't like knowing there are things I just don't get.  Last night I finally learned about links over on Wordpress and the rest of the internet suddenly opened up to me.  It's probably a small thing to everyone else and I will admit to usually being the last to learn things, normally because I just simply never find out it's possible until long after everyone else has done it.  No one tells me anything (my invisibility cloak strikes again) and I usually find out stuff by accidentally reading a post somewhere or finding a link when I google for something.

Last night I met a woman who knows stuff.  Not only does she know stuff but she knows a shit load of stuff I don't know and is willing to share her knowledge.  I can foresee a time when I no only know what SEO stands for, but I know how to do it too.  Stand aside people, this invisible woman is joining the 21st century..!

Sincerely, Invisible Woman.